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| Why am I in college?
Why am I studying Calculus III?
Why am I not able to sleep at night?
Why do I think of this girl twenty times a day who i don't even talk to?
Why am I getting sick?
Why is the weather so fickle?
Why do I feel so confused?
Why am I writing in this public journal?
Why do i play such conflicting genres of music?
Why am I still in my parent's basement?
I feel like I'm being torn in five directions.
North: Stay in school, study like a dork, transfer to UM, have zero social life.
South: Drop out, get out of this BS(berrien springs) town, come back next year.
East: Go back to OHC, delay the inevitable, rediscover core Christianity.
West: Stay at Andrews, get involved in church ministry, become a Christian.
Here: Be confused, unmotivated, and egnostic and Christian. At this rate i'll die of stroke before i get out of college.
Who am I?
What defines who I am?
How do other people's expectations warp my character?
Do I exist?
The aching in my bones from lack of sleep, the cloudy head from too much mental arguing, and the deadened heart of malcontent love, all tear apart the ghost my identity.
Like an animal trained to be obedient torn between his passions and his cultivated behavior. Spiralling in an ever constant struggle between one's demons and one's angels. Voices, qestions echoing in my head. I want to end it all. I want rest.
What is the world coming to? Dwight Nelson is preaching doctrinal pointed sermons, Mrs. Polk seems to have been raptured, and a spiritual revival is slowing taking force in Adventists youth.
I close my eyes and i feel darkness and pain, the same that haunts a fugitive, never resting, never at peace, always suspicious and paranoid. The toll of his actions is his eventual capture and improsnment. BUt how can I improsion my own questioning mind and emotion moved soul? What chains can be put upon a rampant spirit let loose by my own actions? Drugs? Suicide?
I write as my head throbs with a dull headache, my feet cold from the morning frost wave, my arms ached from talking on the phone.
How is life? Life is confusing.
How is the weather? Typical Michigan fall.
What are you doing for break? Trying to get 8 hrs of sleep.
I look in the mirror and see the same me, 5' 9 200 lbs beard in progress. But i look in my eyes and i see this turmoil, aching like a refugee longing to go home not realizing his home is completely destroyed as well as the all he held dear.
This flu may be the end of me.. Combined wit hthe frequent chest pains and semi parlaysis last week. Death might be welcomed if not unsettled uncertain rest from all such self made troubles.
Enigmatic as disturbing be the recourse of my troubled mind.
Enough rambling. The few who comprehend what this message is, do what you've done best. The others who think i'm crazy, you may very well be right. To my brother i bequeth ... (J/k) let's do this one.
Such conflict brewed in ashes and dust,
Given rise to the elusive heart,
Spread beyond limit, crushed in despair
Light shines out of such
Hope from the unkown
It shines till all ashes and dust
Submit to my minds throne
But till that day and till such time
The ashes and dust will fight
over this and that, that and this
And all that i onced called mine.
| | |
| Have you ever wondered off the trail when hiking? Maybe see a cool bird or a nice hidden water fall? You start losing sight of the trail but you think, "I can just walk back the way I came. I'll be fine." So you venture further out into the wilderness. You duck under a branch only to find yourself falling over a cliff. Than you wake up.
Not quite the same dream I had but a simple allegory of where I have been. More on this later.
This summer in restrospect has been a) a drag b) costly c) lonely. For the majority of the time I have gone to work at lunch, come home and played video games till early morning. Also i got a cell phone, new glasses, several new subscriptions, and had to pay for my own gas(40$ a tank every 3 weeks). Also i have had only about 2 people my age to interact with (both of them fellow Lead Cashiers).
These last week my brother came home with alot of his junk. He's moving to Seattle to work with Microsoft Aug 15 but came home to spend time with the family. I inherited his bed(full size > twin), his long open desk (my previous desk had a top which was removable if i stood up too fast...), and a bunch of large black all purpose containers to put my junk in.
Today, I gave up/threw out/dettached myself from Warcraft and Final Fantasy. Uninstalled, deleted, thrown in garbage, emptied garbage... etc etc. Kind of felt wierd having free time and not thinking about some stupid video game... "Like normal people"(some odd person who shall remain unamed. U know who you are).
I have been introduced to a much less addictive game called Civilization 4. Basically you are the mind behind a civilization from the stone age to the post modern age. It is turn based to about 320 turns in a normal game. I say it's not addictive because after an hour i'm so sick of losing i quit and find something more fun to do.
(hm.. i wonder if i've reached my word limit. three two on. maybe not.)
Life plans have been amazaing clouded in mystery. I'm missing mine so if any of you find it let me know. Currently at this point I am still attending Andrews University (good ole Berrien Springs with our 2 stoplights). But my parents want to move sometime in the near future so I am planning on transfering to University of Michigan Ann Arbor (tied for 3rd best public university with UCLA here). As for my major.... who knows... Not I, me or myself.
As for the crisis in my life.. The WORLD is COMING to an END!!! Head for the hills!!!!!!
Not quite. But somewhat Biblical. "And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains." Rev 6:15
I had a livid dream that shook me with fear when I awoke. Am I ready to accept that which I believe.. or do I reject it at the risk of eternal damnation? The logic is compelling against rejecting. Yet that's what I've been doing since I got away from that school in Arkansas. To find who I am separate from my past, to find who I want to be outside parochial influences. Which I have.. save for the impact inside of me from my past experiences.
So who am I? I am a person who chooses to believe in the "myths" of Seventh Day Adventism and accept the story of the Bible. I was reminded of the Indian prince who left his kingdom behind to accept Christ. He wrote the words "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. The cross before me, the world behind me. I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back." No Turning Back.
Well. That about covers all of it.
Have a great day whenever you read this!
| | |
| Two and a half months since my last post.
Hm... Finals are over. WOOT WOOT! i think i flunked 3 out of 4 but hey! i'm done!!!!
First two days of "summer" have been . . . lonely. I'm beginning to disdain where I live...
Random thought. All it is. Don't even try to reason this out.
ok so maybe i should post when I'm wide awake and have a reason to post.
Goals for this summer:
Lose wieght(HA!)
Make money?
Find purpose
right now my mind is . . . blah blah blah...
arg this is tough writing when i have nothing public to say.
Meh....
Tch....
achoo..
zzz
zzz
zzz
Ok. I will post tomorrow. Maybe. Not. So. W/e Meh
zzz
zzz
| | |
| . I'M ALIVE .
. I'M CONNECTED .
. I'M BACK .
Sitting here bored, yet chatting with a friend,
listening to rachmaninoff which seems will never end
Nostalgic reminiscence of the past regrets and joys
of days of work and simple toys
To a time where music and news were far away
When school, church and work was my play
A place of grass, pines, and sky
Full of youth, love and vegan pie
Mates of mischief, comrades of war
Through the thresholds of the cafeteria door
By sheer grit we satisfy our needs of nouishment,
Digesting food we consider our last resort.
Off to the tests an trials of high school
Still laced with the hip and cool
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*
Still here.
Still a love struck fool.
Yet intellecutal and social ignorance shall hold me no more.
Emotional stabilty shall be secured. Leaving one realm to be brought out of the darkness.
Religion, the underlying drive of life, defines what and who we are in our own eyes.
The Question.: Is That Love? What is Love?
Love is long suffering. Love stays with us as long as we hold some in our hearts. But once you lose it, you lose yourself.
Love hung Itself out to dry. Love, along with hope, will never die.
She stands 5'3, black hair, brown
eyes. Her voice strikes a cold chord in my heart, that warms at it
rings in my ears. She is fragile yet strong, tired but positive. Her
mind is sharp and her tongue is witty.
Her heart is pure and her love abounds. Sweet sympathies and loving care she bestows to her friends. She is fragile yet strong.
One by one they disappear, till she her self is whisked away to a
secluded juncture. She is strong, and continues. She inspires the hope
I have. Then she is gone. . .
Similar friends have come and gone, yet none have reached back to that chord. Some day, one day, I will find her. Again.
Till the time suffice, where we shall be united in the peace and
happiness of eternal bliss. . . THIS is life, this is heaven. - Unknown
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| Waiter: Interesting aint it?
Customer: Just what is your real accent?
Waiter: Mah reel accent mon?
Customer: Yeah
Waiter: Exukkly wat are uu tak king a bout?
Customer: T.T
Waiter: This is my accent. Because I did not grow up speaking English some of my consanants are veiled(muffled).
Some quotes from this week. Or is it last week?
"You must be easily impressed eh?"
"If an ignorant guy gave you a bunch of chocolates what would you do?"
"Where is your beloved? Is she your beloved?"
"Hi. I"m mexican." (No I am
not Ja Yeon. {hm. she doesn't even see this [ then again who does
anyways? < whoa getting way too many subsets ---------- >]})
"Excuse me, is this the weenus? (Graham, I'm still not sure that stretchy skin on the elbow is the weenus)
Some realizations.
Intellectual attraction is very slow coming between
me and everyone. I mean if their smarter than me, usually that means
i'm lost.
Childhood gushes seem to come back in the form of the same girl 2 inches taller.
High school will huant/cheer you up for the rest of your life.
Without religion and friends, man becames a animal.
Emotions are only on the extremes of procreation(lust), pain, and anger.
Politics and power, idealism and philosophy, are the only 4 things an egonostic can truly live for. Or is it?
A mattress on top of two box springs on top of
another mattress has the tendency to lean like a bell tower in Pisa, to
the left about 17 degrees by morning.
Sleep is essential for proper function of a full
time student. Caffiene and numerous alarm clocks are essential for the
proper function of a typical time student.
Some of my reasoning.
The procrastination monster exists! I saw it! It was
in Calc II in my notes!!!! (Ok. Maybe these are just getting silly . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . yeah, definately silly)
If i start eating an apple 2 minutes before i start
work, my hands will still be "unsanitary", by the time i finish.
Therefore I will eat the apple, and talk to the people around me who
think i'm half mexican and japenese till i'm 10 minutes late for work.
Perfectly normal at the end of a 27 hr work week.
So i haven't thought about a crush i had in
highschool for a month or so. Then this week i had a really, i mean
REALLY wierd dream about that girl. Could it be that it is my brain
closing on my chances? Hm. 900 miles apart, last communication in
December, last physical contact May, personality compatibility: Social
butterfly: social systemizer . . ewww. maybe not.
Ok. Some serious items of note. (or of indifference)
I realize that the further I go from the thing that I know will satisfy
me the most, the more I am destorying my capacity to receive that which
will satisfy. Therefore the intellectual and logical thing for me to do
is to stop running away and start running to that which satisfies.
I have grown in a liberal home and then went to a strait and narrow
academy of thought and religion. Where can I find the balance between
the "brainwashing" of the far rihgt and the laxnes of the far left?
Is my mind and heart closed as i approach the brink of animalistic
automation? Is anyone there? I'm so lonely. So cold. So . . . unique.
So . . . . Hm.... So . . . uh . . .
My words thinly veil the unhappy, uncertain, and enigmatic entity known as Pique.
Hm. My brother tells me i should write more poetry on my xanga.
12:53 am sitting at my keys,
the creeping fatigue slowly revealing itself in my shoulders and neck,
a live feed from a CCM radio station vibrating through the two speakers before me.
I am tired . . I am sleepy. . Yet I must communicate . . I must write poetry.
Roses are red, violets are blue, .......................................
12:56 Who am I? WHO AM I!? Identity. Of what? What am I? WHAT AM I!?
Hm. . .
Georgia.
A land so far away holds so many connections. Father worked there for a few months, friends from highschool moved there.
Philippines.
A land beyond the horizon to the west. A land I never remember, yet link my self too.
India.
Real life poverty. Real life hardships. Real life sweat and blood. The
deserts and mountains, the ocean and the rivers. Place where one can
become lost in the masses. Lost in masses of people.
Michigan.
Home. What makes a home? Parents? A house with familiar carpet stains,
creaky floorboards, and accustomed lavatory? Or is it a spirit of
belonging to sticks, stones, and wire?
The vast nothingness that one can see as one gazes into the vast
nothingness. Sitting here relating my tired thoughts and pouring out my
weary heart to the criticizing public of the subscribers of this xanga.
Smile. Laugh. Live.
Embrace. Kiss. Love.
Praise, Plea, Worship.
I am not a traveler or a hero that can take down a dragon with just his
sword and shield. I am not a dexterous green skinned body builder with
quick reflexes.
Who am I? What am I?
Smile. Laugh. Live
Love
Worship
Love
Worship
Live
Live.
Sen = Sam
Xu = Yoo
Sen Xu.
Living
Loving
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